Christian Humor

The Visitor

An elderly woman visitor arrived at church one day. A friendly usher greeter her and asked if he could escort her to a seat. She said he could and he asked her where she would like to sit.

"In the front row," she replied.

"You don't want to sit there." said the usher. "The preacher's really boring."

"Do you know who I am?" asked the woman.

"No," said the usher.

"I'm the preacher's mother."

"Do you know who I am?" asked the usher.

"No," she replied.

"Good," said the usher.

The Coin Toss

By the time Sammy arrived at the football game, it had already started. "What took you so long?" asked his friend.

"I couldn't make up my mind whether to go to church or the football game. So I tossed a coin," said Bobby.

"But why did that take so long?" said the friend.

"Well, I had to toss it 37 times."

Atheist Wants a Holy Day

An atheist who was disgruntled because Christians and Jews have special holidays but atheists do not, brought a discrimination law suit in front of a judge in Florida. His lawyer argued that it was unfair to atheists that Easter and Passover are celebrated as holy days but there is no recognized day for them.

After listening to the passionate argument from the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and said, "Case dismissed!"

The lawyer immediately stood up and objected to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Christians have Easter, Christmas and other holy days. Jews have Passover, Hanukkah and Yom Kippur. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday."

The judge, leaning forward in his chair, said, "But you do. Your client is woefully ignorant."

The lawyer said, "Your honor, we are not aware of any holiday or special observance for atheists."

To which the judge replied, "April 1st is All Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 says, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Therefore, it is the opinion of this court that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool and April 1st is his day. Court adjourned."

John the Baptist Christian Joke

Young Johnny's mother looked out the window to see that her son was pretending he was a minister and was preaching to the family cat. The cat was sitting quietly and listening. She smiled and went about her work.

A little while later she heard the cat howling and hissing. She ran outside to find Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out "Stop that! Cats are afraid of water!"

To which Johnny replied, "He should have thought of that before he joined my church."

It Helps to Know Scripture

A woman returned home after an evening church service to find an intruder in her house. He was in the process of robbing her of her valuables. She yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38." (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The man froze in his tracks. So the woman calmly called the police. When they arrived she told them what she had done. The officers put handcuffs on the thief and asked him why he just stood there when all the woman had done was quote scripture to him.

"Scripture," he said. "I thought she said she had an ax and two 38s."

Big Sisters

A six year old girl was sitting next to her four year old brother in church. The boy was playing and singing or talking during the service. Finally, the sister had enough and said, "You better stop that and be quiet."

Her brother said, "Why?"

"Because," said the big sister, "if you don't, you going to be in trouble with the hushers."