Clean Old Age Jokes

Say What?

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

No Wrinkles

It's easy to get rid of wrinkles. Just eat until they fill out.

Exercising in Old Age Joke

A middle aged woman decided she needed to get herself in shape. So she joined a gym and signed up for an exercise class. At the first session, she bent, twisted, jumped up and down, gyrated and perspired. By the time she got into her leotards, the class was half over.

Girlfriends Meet for Dinner

Some 15 year old girlfriends wanted to meet for dinner. They discussed where to go and finally agreed on Burger King next to the Bay Side Restaurant because they only had $7.00 between them and Danny King, the cute boy in math class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because there was no cover charge, it had free snacks, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because it was near the gym, the combos were good and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be any whiny little kids.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes) and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because the food wasn't spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to go for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Bay Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

Age Has Its Advantages

One advantage of being senile is that you can hide you own Easter eggs.

Advantage of Being Really Old

A reporter was sent to interview a woman having her 104th birthday. "What do you think is the best part of being 104?" he asked her.

"No peer pressure," she replied.

At the Funeral

While waiting for the funeral service to begin, the undertaker asked the widow how old her husband was. "98," she replied. "He was two years older then me."

"Oh, so you're 96," said the undertaker.

"Yes," she replied. "It hardly seems worthwhile going home."

Song Titles

How Would These Song Titles Change If They Were Sung Today By The Baby Boomers?

Roberta Flack:  The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Procol Harem:  A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Abba:  Denture Queen.

Herman's Hermits:  Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Leo Sayer:  You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

Ringo Starr:  I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

Paul Simon:  Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Tony Orlando:  Knock Three Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

The Bee Gees:  How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?

Bobby Darin:  Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Johnny Nash:  I Can't See Clearly Now.

Helen Reddy:  I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

The Commodores:  Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye:  Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

The Temptations:  Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Leslie Gore:  It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Should Have Thought That One Through

A middle aged woman was rushed to the hospital because she was having a heart attack. During surgery, she had a near death experience. She asked God, "Is my time up?"

"No," said God, "You've got another 41 years, 3 months and 6 days."

When she recovered, the woman decided that since she had so many more years to live, she would stay in the hospital and have a face lift, eye lid lift, lip enlargement, boob job, liposuction and tummy tuck.

When she was all finished, she left the hospital. Crossing the street, she was hit by a car and killed. When she appeared before God again, she demanded, "I thought you told me I had another 14+ years! Why didn't you save me from getting hit by that car?"

"Girl." said God. "I didn't even recognize you!"

More clean funny jokes about old age