Clean Puns

Funny Puns

What did the red candle say to the blue candle?
I'm going out tonight.

The surrender at Appomattox was made possible by a Grant.

What kind of ball doesn't bounce?
A snowball!

What do a burning candle and being thirsty have in common?
A little water ends them both!

How long does it take for a candle to burn down?
About a wick!

What does a snowman eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes

What does a snowman eat for lunch?
Icebergers

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for a present?
Thanks, I'll never part with it!

How to Get a Loan

Mr. Frog outgrew his lily pad and decided to build an addition but he didn't have any money. So he hopped to the town bank to apply for a loan. He sat down with the loan officer, Patricia Black and explained his dilemma. "I want to upgrade my pad, add on a bedroom, enlarge the kitchen, maybe add a window or two, but I don't have the cash. Can you lend me some money?"

"Maybe." she said. "What do you have that you can use as collateral?"

"Well," said Mr. Frog, "all I have is this paperweight. You shake it up and it snows in the little town. Cute, huh?"

"Hmm," she said. "I'll have to talk to my manager." She went to her manager's office and showed him the paperweight.

Her manager heard her out, looked at the paperweight and said, "It's a knick knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

More Puns

A little boy swallowed some coins. They took him to the hospital. When his grandmother called to see how he was, she was told, "No change, yet."

A dog gave birth at the side of the road and was given a ticket for littering.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said to the other, "You stay here. I'll go on a head."

I thought the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

The largest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He got that large by eating too much pi.

Two silk worms decided to race each other and ended up in a tie.

When the chicken crosses the road, it is poultry in motion.

When I was in Alaska on an island, I went to an eye doctor, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

In democracy, your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.The algebra teacher confiscated a rubber band gun because it was a weapon of math destruction.

A backward poet writes inverse.

You can push the envelope as far as you want, it'll still be stationery.